So, Wanna Know A Secret?

Last year, I was pregnant with a boy who we wanted very much to join our family.  Roan, my 6-year-old, couldn’t contain his excitement at being a big brother.  I was dreamy-eyed thinking of having two sons – and life really seemed so simple, so happy and good.  All the early tests and exams with this boy were as right as rain, until we hit the 20-week anatomy scan.  And then things got really heavy, really fast.

Our son’s kidneys had very little function, due to a chromosomal abnormality which couldn’t really be named.  Test after test after test revealed that he had little chance of survival, and if he did survive, he would likely lead a life that would be painful.  And that life would probably not be long.  After days and nights of crying, hand wringing, and utter helplessness, my husband and I decided to end the pregnancy.  I was exactly 6 months pregnant.

And making that choice was devastating, and explaining to my boy Roan in the simplest and least detailed way I could that his brother wasn’t going to be joining us afterall – these were the darkest days of my entire life.

While this experience is well behind me, and it is seven months later now, it is part of my story and it is now part of me.  Which is why I’ve waited until I was past the first trimester to write about this new pregnancy….

I am pregnant again.  I am 13 weeks in.  And the punchline is…..


Am I serious?  Why yes I am.

Well.  Just go ahead and laugh at me now because it does feel like a punchline.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Are you done?

Ok, that’s enough, honestly.  Pull yourself together.

Being pregnant this time has been drastically different from last time, for obvious reasons.  The biggest change was that I didn’t tell Roan until this past Friday night.  And I’ve only told a few close friends, and have hidden my bigger and bigger belly in Anson’s clothes more and more, just praying that people thought I was only getting fat.  I haven’t been ready to celebrate this.  I haven’t been able to think of it as real, and I most definitely haven’t been able to count on it.  I’ve lived in a darkness created by my last experience, and it has absolutely suffocated the  joy out of what should be an amazing time in my life.

Then my friend Lauren sent me an email after I told her.  She’s had her own devastations, much more intense than mine.  She lost a son who was only 12 years old, to cancer.  And if anyone deserves to live in their own devastation, it would be her.  But she chooses not to.  This is what she wrote to me – getcher thinking caps on, though.  Lauren gets all smart on us here:

In trying to make sense of the prior loss…who knows….but from my alchemical and esoteric past, I bring the notion that dissolution of matter needs to occur to free up energy to create new life. It’s not always clear what’s dying – old patterns of being, physical life, a shrimp in the Gulf of Mexico…..but I do believe there’s something to it. I didn’t make this up – I think science calls it the first law of thermodynamics: “energy can be transferred from one system to another in many forms. Also, it can not be created or destroyed. Thus, the total amount of energy available in the Universe is constant.”

Now that science has backed me up and I have some cred, I can go on to say….I think PERHAPS that some of our previous losses, at least mine….have played a part in clearing the way for some truly magnificent things to come through.

And so.  Lauren found a way to let me open my heart up to this new baby these new babies.  I am thinking that as my body expands to help them grow, they will be expanding my heart and reconnecting it to my mind and some peace will be brokered between these two casualties of my last pregnancy.  I have been in a static place of my hard-wired optomist’s heart warring with my newly cynical mind.  And maybe?  Just maybe – this punchline of a pregnancy is the magic it takes to reunite them.

I will write about telling Roan on Wednesday.  I will tell you this – it was healing, funny, and just makes me cry thinking about it.  Happy tears.  Or cuckoo hormones.  Whatever.

45 thoughts on “So, Wanna Know A Secret?

  1. Jodi: Congratulations — I’m so happy for you and your family. Lauren’s words are powerful. I hope they bring you peace!

  2. Congratulations Jodi! Your strength and courage is an inspiration. Twins.. I cannot imagine. I can’t wait to read of Roan’s reaction, but umm.. your reaction to twins was ..

  3. oh! i knew it! i knew you were preggo!!! congrats, jodi, a million times over. jay & i are so happy for your whole family. and twins! holy smokes! they’re an entirely new animal than single children – have fun with this new journey!

    oh! i’m so happy for you!!!

  4. Wow, congratulations! Thanks for sharing, what a great way to start off the week! There’s something about twins that is just so magical!

  5. I saw your Tweet about this post and instantly my head yelled “She’s pregnant!!” and so I had to skip right over to find out if I was right. Twins! Eeeeee! I wish with all I am that I could just reach across the continent and hug you right now. Congratulations!

  6. Congrats to you and your family. You and Elden must be the carriers of the twin gene…. How cool.

  7. Congratulations!!!

    I’m a twin.

    I’ve never understood why folks ask us if we’re identical.

    I’ve always been able to tell us apart.

    Having twins is an adventure! Have fun!

  8. Congratulations toyou and Anson. This put a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. I am sooooooo happy for you. Thank you for sharing. I love reading your life!

  9. I lurk a lot on your blog but Congratulations! And Laurens e-mail brought tears to my eyes. I cannot wait to read about this adventure!

  10. Alli – You’re right about Lauren, she’s always been a bit of a sage. Not the first time she’s helped me…I’m sure not the last.

    Jessie – HA! Ok, mine was…”huh? Wha?? WAIT! Take that back! I’m going to get huge”, which was followed by the Brooklyn in me, “Where will I find an apartment for twins?!”

    Heather – well thank you for your love our way! On an unrelated note, Roan’s wondering if I can sneak him onto a Segway. He’s mentioned a lot lately. Hmmmmmm…..

    Cynthia – it is magical. It doesn’t make sense to me – actually the idea of building a baby doesn’t make sense, but building two? Totally bananas. I notice from your site you’ve been doing the apartment hustle…notice any cheap places that would house a family of…gulp…FIVE? Yeh, I didn’t think so….oh boy.

    Kate – THANK YOU! Your continent-spanning virtual hug and support mean the world to me.

    Nadia – I already check your site out often, but think I’m going to be combing it even closer now…thanks for finding all the cool stuff…so I don’t have to!

    Sheri – back to you, locker partner!

    Jonni – Well Elden’s twin girls are so very very awesome, I couldn’t help but try to make something similar. Hope the genes hold up!

    Leroy – An adventure you say? Riddle me this – my most perplexing problem – how does one get stroller-bound twins onto the subway? Seriously, I am totally baffled.

    dug-e – hi friend!! Thanks for keeping up with me and mine. Miss you!

    Katie – thanks for lurking, and thanks for leaving a comment! The support I get from my readers really does mean so much to me.

  11. Hi Jodi! I’ve been reading your blog for about three months now but have never commented. What wonderful news! Congratulations on the new additions. I couldn’t agree more with Lauren.. the world has a powerful way of making all things right. Wishing you are your family much happiness 🙂

  12. Okay, I am eating a bowl of mixed nuts (really) and weeping into my tea (definitely). So happy to hear the news!!! Indeed, Lauren’s email was on a whole other level of enlightened and she could not be more correct. Life is a magical mystery tour of heartbreak and healing and you, my friend, have just hit the lottery of love. I have a handful of friends with twins and they are having the time of their lives. The universe clearly loves you and your boys and has just handed you your very own bowl of motherly mixed nuts. What a great gift for a great gal.

  13. Oh Dr. Popcorn! YAY! Lauren knows some stuff alright. This is lovely and exciting and wonderful. Keep that chin up to see the present. It’s all you got. YAY, AGAIN!!! Congratulations. :~)

  14. That is wonderful news–I was hoping so hard that you would get/take another chance. I knew another mom who lost a pregnancy in a similar way and ended up with twins the next time around. It seems like the universe really does keep a ledger sometimes! I’m keeping all of my fingers and toes crossed that this pregnancy goes perfectly.

  15. Congratulations to you and your family! What a wise friend you have in Lauren- I’m so glad you shared that. It certainly helps me put my little tough time in perspective, as well. Woohoo for twins!

  16. Whoa! Many, many congrats! What wonderful news. Now I REALLY hope to see you around the hood so I can give you a hug. Thanks for sharing, Jodi. So very happy for you.

  17. Congratulations! I visit often from here in Missouri and share in your new-found joy at this strange turn in your life! Wow! Twins! Congratulations!

  18. Q. Riddle me this – my most perplexing problem – how does one get stroller-bound twins onto the subway?

    A. Grab 2 slings and a sister.

  19. Congratulations Jodi, what wonderful, wonderful news! Something you wrote a couple of weeks ago made me wonder if you were pregnant, but I didn’t like to ask at the time. So pleased for you!

  20. Oh Jodi, I’m so excited for you! I am, too, 13 weeks pregnant. With one. It took me nearly 2 months to get over the idea that we weren’t “one and done” anymore. Cheers to us and our growing families. I can’t wait to read about Roan’s reaction!

  21. My you have a way with words. All good. Please accept my sincere congratulations. (I was going to write “most sincere”, but if you qualify your level of sincerity, does that mean you deliver cheap versions of it, too? Hmmmmm.)

    I like Lauren’s words. Conservation of energy is real, not just in textbooks. Why shouldn’t it apply to the lives of humans, too? Here’s wishing you (and your family!) a great pregnancy.

  22. I have to give credit for knowing the smarty-pants first law of thermodynamics to my hubby…he clued me in, then I latched on to it good and have been finding application for it ever since!

    I’m just so happy that you’ve decided to go the way of joy and hope, love and vulnerability. We’re all so damn happy for you, really, truly, and completely. And it’s a good thing you let the world know soon after telling me…cuz I just couldn’t sit on that news for too long!

    All my love to your entire big-happy-ever-growing-family.

  23. Another lurker here to say how happy I am for your family. I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now and cried along with you at the loss of your son. I am so excited to follow your journey with this pregnancy. I will send good thoughts your way throughout.

  24. And then it began the new mafia straight outta Brooklyn. The Call Familia with Roan running it.

  25. Wow! I’m so pleased for you, for Roan, for Anson. And shocked – twins! That is a great punchline!

    Congratulations. 🙂 🙂 Smiles and hugs all ’round.

  26. Ummmmm….guys?

    You’re all making me cry with all the love. Mixed nuts, sisters and slings, stroller suggestions, a fellow 13-week-er, sincere congratulations, people who have stuck with me through all my ramblings, Brooklyn Mafia suggestions (nothing to see here, move along youse), and all the smiles and hugs –

    Honestly – thank you so much. All the love is shining a light on these days. Thank you.

  27. God bless you Jodi and Anson and all your children and all their hearts and all their beautiful contained or uncontained energy. They are always ALL with you.

    My love admiration and support.

  28. Long time reader, first time poster. Been reading Elden’s blog for years and came to yours last year because of him.

    My girlfriend lost three of her good friends within the last year to various things and i’m so happy to see new life being brought to someone i know will cherish this gift.

    Just wanted to say yahoo(like they used to yodel, don’t know if they still do) and also good luck. Twins!! In the words of Mr. Sulu, “oh, my”.

  29. Ok. That totally made me cry. Having lived through some trials of my own, I am deeply aware of how our biggest heart breaks are always an invitation to something bigger and better. You are beautiful! Congrats

  30. Oh, you got me–big. I’m crying but very, very happy for you. Many blessings to you, Roan, Anson, and the newest members of the family.

  31. Jodi I’ve been ‘blog-stalking’ you forever, but I had to comment on this one. Congratulations! You’re amazing. Can I move to Brooklyn and babysit please?
    ps. mama Kelly is gonna freak out, although you know her….she probably already had a dream about you having multiple babies and was just waiting for you to officially confirm it.

  32. haven’t been by in a week or so and had to force myself to start where I left off, about 3 posts down because I caught the “twins” part as I was scrolling! So happy for you all and praying that everything goes smoothly.

  33. Pingback: Pistols and Popcorn » I Have Officially Been Quit

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