The best way to describe this date – October 6 – is like a scheduled, impending car crash. I know it’s coming because I’ve seen it on the calendar. I know what it means to me, because I was there. But I don’t know if it’s an impending fender bender car crash or if there is going to be broken glass and twisted metal everywhere. This is my first time here, visiting the one-year mark of losing my son after severe complications in my pregnancy. I was 24 weeks along – 6 months big with nothing but total faith that of course he’d be here soon, until of course, he couldn’t be. One year ago today, I said goodbye to him, with his name and imagined face in my heart, and it was the most awful day of my life.
It’s a time I don’t hesitate to visit when I need to, but never really in depth. I haven’t been able to go back and read my entries from that time. I haven’t dared read the comments from my readers who dug in deep with me during that time. Today I woke up and thought it could be just like any other day, really – that maybe it wasn’t going to rock me. Because I’ve been able to get to a new place, with new hopes and such. And breakfast was great and normal, walking Roan to school was beautiful with the gorgeous fall morning, talking to my neighbors and friends was you know – normal. Nothing different than yesterday.
And I wanted to write about something funny today, some of the things that have made me laugh with the full force of my very full belly. But as I opened up Pistols + Popcorn, I found myself revisiting my old posts from last year, and reading every single comment from every single person who walked me through it. And I realized that this baby boy who was lost to me lived through these writings, with all these people in the world witnessing and honoring his short short life. And I understood that I owed it to him to feel his loss today.
I am so grateful for the happiness I have in my life now, with all the new hopes and new plans and new circumstances. I am so sad for the hard circumstances I have seen people around me struggling with. I have friends and acquaintances who are in the fight of their lives right now. And all I can say is that these terrible days, they rock you to your core. But there is an end to the devastation, and a beginning of the healing that inevitably happens. And the car crashes you see coming your way? Unavoidable. But, for me at least, there’s something sweet about how simple love, support and friendship seem to be the magical spell we need to get through even the worst of times.