As every mother will do, I have to preface this post with a declaration of Love! For my twin boys! I LOVE LOVE LOVE you guys!
However, I am getting a little baby’d out.
Every time I told someone I was having twins when I was pregnant, they’d raise their eyebrows, give a little whistle, and say, “Congratulations” which actually sounded like “Good luck, sucker!” But I shrugged it all off because I am an achiever. I find a certain sense of pride in my ability to do things that are difficult. I like to run. I like to kickbox. I like to attend each and every cursed -er…uh….blessed field trip in Pre-K, Kindergarten, and First Grade. I like to laugh at my father’s right-wing jokes.
That’s right, I truly enjoy the accomplishment of doing the difficult.
So I kind of felt like this Twins thing was going to be a breeze. No sleep? Don’t care. Nursing all the time? Whatever, loser. Maintaining balance of attention between all 3 children? Could do it in my sleep. Hanging on to my identity as a woman not only a mother? Duh, have you met me?
However, I believe I have been served.
At nine weeks plus a little, I officially announced to Anson last night that I was Baby’d Out. Meaning: I will now admit that my never-say-die grin and can-do attitude are doing very little to assuage my feeling that I’m going mental. This could have a lot to do that it’s winter. I can’t get out of the house much. So I’m in the house. A lot. With two infants. Every single day. And night.
I realized that I was possibly a little on edge when Anson asked me last night how my day was, and you know – what did I do on this fine day?
What did I do today? I hate that question. Because it’s this cycle of the same thing over and over and over and over and honestly I am a little embarrassed that I’m wearing the same pair of comfortable leggings and sweater that I was wearing last Tuesday. It’s Friday, right? Oy. But the question makes me nuts – “What are you going to do today?” or “What did you do today?” Because I basically only do two things during the time Roan’s at school: clean and feed. Clean the kitchen. Feed a baby. Clean a baby’s bum. Feed myself. Clean a bathroom. Pick up a baby from the crib to feed the baby. Clean the baby’s bum. Clean the other baby’s bum again. Feed the babies. Try to obey the command of all sleep experts of having my twins nap and eat at the same time. Knot brows in consternation at my inability to have my twins nap and eat at the same time. Carve five minutes out while both babies are asleep (A-Ha! I did it!) to put hair in ponytail. Ignore fact that one baby is actually not asleep. Feed the baby. Remind self that ponytails every day of the week are the tale-tell sign that a woman is not taking care of herself. Wait. What about these leggings?
Balderdash, Ballyhoo and Bull. I can’t even swear properly anymore. My bad words come out in a sing-song voice with my eyes big and wide. Yeh, it’s brutal.
Clearly I need some “me” time. I mean, obviously. I see it. But it’s just hard to come by. Last weekend I got to go for a run for the first time since I had these guys, and the cold weather, wind, and fatigue couldn’t erase the pure ecstasy I felt running – by myself – with nobody with me – nobody on me – nobody talking to me – nobody asking me to do something for them. Just moving my feet and listening to age-inappropriate songs. I will get another run in this weekend.
The truth is that soon enough the weather will get warmer. And then things will be different. I will be at the park with my boys who don’t need me quite so intensely, and I will have a cup of coffee in one hand and a smirk on my face as someone is asking me how it’s going with twins, and I will reply, “Oh this? These guys? Easy. Since day one, easy. Couldn’t be easier. In fact, I should have had triplets, it’s just that easy.”
Because I’m also quite accomplished at remembering things in the way I need to.
Reminder to self: program this post to auto-delete before that date comes.
[P.S. I’m wondering if you’ll take the time to nominate Pistols + Popcorn for a Cribsie award? If only they had a category for milk production…but since they don’t, let’s go with “Web”? One other suggestion from me – Appaman would be a great nominee for “Fashion” (Notice the ulta-cool onesies on the twins in this post….Appaman, but of course). Click here, it only takes a moment, honestly. Thanks!]