! NO SRSLY GV M3 SM AMB3N !
Today I’m going in for surgery. Usually my
approach with anything scary is to ward off my nervousness by pretending I’m
not nervous and making light of things. But this time I made a dare to
myself that anytime someone asked if I were nervous or scared, I’d answer
honestly. It has been really disconcerting to be honest about my
feelings, and it seems like my loved ones weren’t really expecting my answer of
“Hell yes” when they’ve asked if I’m worried.
I can’t really go into any detail about what I’m
doing, but here’s what I can say. It could be really easy, or pretty
complicated. I could be done in ten minutes, and home tonight, or it
could take the better part of the day and I’ll be home in a few days.
We’ll have no idea until I’m under and the surgeon is checking my insides
out. So maybe that’s where most of my feeling of unbalance is sitting – I
just don’t know what to prepare for.
That has been on my mind as I’ve wrestled with what
to tell Roan. He’s a perceptive kid and I absolutely have to tell him
something. But I didn’t want to prepare him for me to be gone, and have
him hold that on his shoulders (though he could), if I’ll be safe at home right
away. But I think a worse thing would be for me to disappear into the
hospital for a few days when I was playing freeze tag with him the day before
(and may I interject holding my own against a gang of seven five-year-olds).
That wouldn’t make sense to him.
So I mentioned it to him last night at dinner. I
told him that his dad would be dropping him off at school, and that Lori would
be picking him up.
“Why?” He asked.
“Because tomorrow I have to go see the
doctor in the morning, and he might ask me to stay around so he can make me
feel totally better”. I told him in my sing-song annoying and fake but the best I had nonchalant voice.
“Ok, but what’s wrong?” He raised the stakes a
“Eh…. I’m grumpy because my stomach hurts and so
you know what I always tell you, a doctor’s job is to help us
feel healthy”. Too much? Too little? Will he buy
it? Am I failing??
“Blah blah blah can I have a spritzer with my
I would like to assure you that my son’s words to
me were actually, “blah blah blah”. Also, yes he did get a spritzer to
accompany his dinner.
Looks like another episode of “Over thinking
Interactions with Your Child” has been born, and you’re most welcome for
that. So With Roan checked off my list of things I’m worried about, and
then the Stuff I Have No Power over pushed over to the shelf where I put things
I have no effect on, I had one last call to make to the hospital.
“Hello. I’m scheduled for surgery in the
morning. I’d like to take an Ambien tonight because I’m quite certain my
anxiety will beat me up in bed tonight and that’s just not fair to anyone,
including my readers.”
“Still holding? Yes. Take the
Ambien. It sounds like you might need it. Good night.”
a thrill in my head an a pill on my tongue
Dissolve the nerves
that have just begun
Listening to Marvin
all night long
This is the sound of
This is the sound”
The first person to identify that fine prose
will officially Rule the World for today, January 5, 2009. I will write
more when I can.