Probably the Worst Anniversary Post Ever

The Nelson Calls, Eleven Years Into It.

I maintain that my diction is perfect and that I enunciate with enough clarity that even the most hard-of-hearing would fully enjoy the richness of a conversation with yours truly. (As long as they enjoy the litany of all I seem to be able to talk about: feeding twins, sleep habits, teething, and the special bond of brotherhood). My superiority in speech is not easy to shoulder for I have a calling – nay, a responsibility – to help people in need with their own diction and enunciation issues.

Most of all, the beleaguered and tortured yin to my yang, Anson.

This guy. First of all, Anson is like tofu a little bit as far as speech patterns go. Put him in a room full of Irishmen, he’ll come out drunk, with a perfect Irish Brogue while hitting a leprechaun with a shelaighlee. ┬áHe soaks up the accents and speech patterns of those around him. You cannot believe the tears of laughter I cry when he gets Old School Brooklyn on me at home. I mean. I die from laughing. D-E-A-D. It’s murder by humor.

But Anson also has some home-grown speech funnies – words that come out of his mouth that again make me go dead from laughter. He pretends that he’s helpless and that he has no way of correcting these things but I suspect he twists his mouth and mangles these words just to get a laugh. There’s no other reason that my smartee-pants husband who in his spare times watches geek documentaries on String Theory and Quantum Physics has for not being able to fix the following words:

  • Whupped Cream. Seriously. I mean – I love the stuff but I’ve almost had to give it up because I have to hear him say “Whupped” instead of “Whipped”. My son Roan has joined the dark side of the Whip/Whup battle. Hopefully I’ll have sway with the twinnies.
  • Time Cap-S-YOU-El. As in, rhymes with “mule”. We will not be getting a time capsule anytime soon so that we can avoid talking about it.
  • Vase. V-aaaaaaah-zzzzz. Honestly. We are not from money and we do not summer anywhere that doesn’t take food stamps. I do not believe we are allowed to manipulate the long “A” sound in any word until we are significantly more wealthy.
  • Marinade. Mar-i-naaaaaah-d. See above.
  • Schmear. Ok, he says it like it’s meant but we are not in the chosen tribe and I’m pretty sure Gentiles (particularly those who were raised in Utah) are meant just go ahead and say, “Cream Cheese, please.”

I’m going to stop there because today is also mine and Anson’s 11th Wedding Anniversary. My gift to him is that I stop making fun of him at five words. I know fellas…too bad I’m taken, right?

The truth is, I love Anson like crazy, not for his lantern jaw and rugged stunning good looks, but for his ability to laugh at himself. And for his shocking ability to not get mad at me for laughing along with him. Ok ok ok AT him. But still. He has that ability and that alone has probably saved our marriage about one million times. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now – love is not too serious. It should be fun and funny with some frustration thrown in between bouts of admiration. There should always be more good times than bad.

Happy Anniversary to my one true love.

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[Totally unrelated note: If you haven’t already, go here for details on how to win a $25 Gift Certificate from HomeGoods – my new favorite shopping place.]

10 thoughts on “Probably the Worst Anniversary Post Ever

  1. I can’t believe people have the nerve to question your diction and enunciation. It’s a small miracle any new mother doesn’t completely regress to grunts, goos and gnat picking. I come from the other side of the planet and I can hardly detect any speech impediments – I think political correctness has renamed them accents – in your typing.

    Also, Anson should totally hang with me next time he crosses the equator and the international date line… he’ll come home talking like a bizarre hybrid of Sheldon Cooper and Crocodile Dundee.

  2. Think I’ll give that present to my hubby this year. Stopping the goofing on him at only five. You are an awesome wife! And look, a great family picture!

  3. “Probably” the worst? Hmmm.

    Look Jode, if you want to get to 20 years (as Danielle and I will next Feb.), you need to get over that whole “enunciation” thing. Actually, if you’re going to be all nit-picky, it’s actually his “pronunciation” not “enunciation” to which you’re taking exception. I actually think Anson speaks extremely clearly, regardless of how he pronounces certain words. In fact, his consonant sounds border on being overly sibilant at times … but, hey, working in fashion, what do you expect?

    Like my fellow countryman and commenter, Mike in Oz, a lot of what your complaining about (there, I said it – yes, C-O-M-P-L-A-I-N-I-N-G) can be put down to accent. I mean – V-aaaaaaah-zzzzz …. sounds about right to me, and about 20 million other Aussies (not to mention the hundreds of millions of minions of the old British Empire). And Cap-S-YOU-El … that’s how we say it down under too, and, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that kind of how your fellow countrymen south of the Mason Dixon say it? You got a problem with Tennessee Williams too? And, by the way, “whupped” is exactly how New Zealanders would say it, so unless you’re never going to listen to Crowded House (yes, they’re mostly from New Zealand), lust over Russell Crowe (again, another Kiwi who Aussies claim as their own), watch a Peter Jackson movie (forget about seeing “The Hobbit”, Roan), eat a Pavlova or make love to a sheep … well, maybe you’ll never get to eat Pavlova (it’s actually Australian anyway, but don’t tell a Kiwi that) … oh yeah, or eat a kiwi (fruit not animal),… lay off!!

    Once you do, those next nine, or 19, or whatever years you’ll no-doubt spend together will pass much more easily. ‘Cause, that’s what it’s about, right? Living with those little annoyances, and maybe even realizing the fact it’s really your problem, not theirs?

    Anyway, must go – Danielle’s muttering something from the kitchen – can’t understand a bloody word she’s saying. I think I’d have to kill myself if I thought I had to live with her bad enunciation for ten more years – or more – but hopefully my moderate tinitis will eventually evolved into fully blown deafness (thanks all those loud drummers I’ve spent hours standing next to), and in ten years time or so I’ll just nod politely – blissfully unaware of how she’s mangling the English language.

    Happy Anniversary, beautiful kids!

  4. “your problem not theirs”….I like that Adam and will keep it in mind when manny is checking that the oven is off and the door is locked for the third time before bed. (yes, i have been known to leave said door wide open and flames going on the stove).

    Happy Anniversary Nelson Calls and for the record hearing v-aaaaah-zzzzz might be annoying but schmear is adorable. xo.

  5. oh my, your comments about love at the end are totally how i’m realizing it can be and that i feel fortunate enough to have (and continually creating) right now with my someone special. well said! happy anniversary!

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