Still Swinging

Well citizens if you’re looking for answers don’t come to me. I am currently out of decision-making power. Should we cross the street? Dunno. Should we eat dinner? Dunno. Kanye or Taylor Swift? Dunno. How’s this all going to end? Dunno. I do feel that it’s time for somebody to wake me up because this dream is lasting much too long and is much too vivid and I cannot even fly but at least my teeth are not falling out.

I haven’t learned much since I wrote last. I have however consulted with so many doctors that I honestly cannot rattle off any names, or even their specialties. It’s a blur. They all have the same thing to say, however. What’s happening with this baby is serious, and the chance of them saying, “Heh – it was all a mistake! He’s going to be fine, hoooooray for clean living and prenatal vitamins!” is off the table. That much is certain. After that, it’s a matter of needing a crystal ball to see what life would look like for him. Most likely it would be painful. Most likely it would be very labor intensive and medically involved. So there is more weight on my shoulders every day because there is a decision clock tick tocking. If you presented this situation to me hypothetically I would be able to fire off an answer rapid-quick as to what I’d do, but predictably being in it for real isn’t quite so black and white. It’s more like a blurry sniffy desperate blackness. So maybe it’s black after all. Anyway.

However, just as there is white to black and good to bad in all of nature and in all of our lives, I have received more love, support, friendship, kindness and lifelines than I ever thought possible. My readers have sent me so many emails with amazing personal stories and encouragement. Each one has stopped me and made me cry. Every single freaking email. Sometimes I’m crying for you and the sadness you experienced, and sometimes I’m crying for me, because I don’t think my ending will be as happy as yours – but I still feel joy for the happy endings my people find in their own experiences.

I have my friends around me who will not let me go more than a few hours without a call of support, or a text or some banana bread or some childcare or a dinner or a hug or some sarcastic zinger that makes me remember how to twist my mouth into a smile. I have my nearby sister who gave me a much-yearned-for painting of Roan – and who makes me believe it’s great to have her as my Roan safety net, even twice in one day. I have my far away family and friends, constantly letting me know they’re proud of me, they support me, and they have faith in me. And the comments left here – all of them sympathetic and kind. I’ve had concern expressed to me that I’m opening myself up at a really vulnerable time, on a topic where people can get nasty. I know that’s true. But nothing but love has come my way thus far, and that love is soaking right into me, like a buffer against the circumstances I’m in.

I am grateful for the good things in my life, and the truth is, as horrible as these last three weeks have been, and as horrible as the next few weeks will likely be, everything is ok. Things suck so very very much, no lie. But there is more good than bad, and if I forget that, it’s ok because I’ll be reminded superfast by someone I love or someone I’ve never met that they are thinking of me, and hoping that I’m ok. And guess what? That makes me be ok.

13 thoughts on “Still Swinging

  1. Jodi. You are brave. You are honest. You are loved no matter what. I am here for you if you need me. I’m sorry that you are facing this impossible moment. It seems terribly unfair. But Jodi…You are brave. You are honest. You are loved no matter what.

  2. De-lurking to say good luck and I’m thinking of you. Any decision you choose to make will be the decision that is right for you, your family, and this baby. Nobody can tell you the right answer because the right answer would be different for everybody who has to make this incredibly difficult decision. Do what you think is right and best.

  3. I am pulling and praying for you. Whatever you are going through know that you are not alone.

    I enjoy your blog and feel honored that you share you life in such a well written and candid way.

    Blessings on you and yours.

  4. You and yours are in my thoughts, Jodi. I admire your strength right along with your ability to lean on others.

  5. I’ve been where you are and it’s a horrible place to be. It IS like walking in darkness–and bone-chilling cold. And there is no brightness on the horizon that you can see. Boy, have I been there. And I have lived to tell about it, even though the ending was not as glorious and light-filled as I would have liked. That darkness has trailed after me the rest of my life, visiting me faintly sometimes. But it has also made me SO incredibly GRATEFUL for each peaceful day that I now experience, and like you, even sometimes grateful for that dark time that made me a better person and pulled my family together and healed many ills in me and my family and united us as one large loving family and THAT LOVE and family strength has stuck with us all even years later. You are right, there is much more good than bad in life! It isn’t evenly distributed along the days but there is plenty of good at any one time. Grab for that and the darkness will subside, whatever decision you have to make. And I will believe that until my last breath!

  6. Love him today. Today, he is who he is. Love him thoroughly, and completely, and totally for all that he is – TODAY. That’s all we can ever do.

  7. Yes. You will lovingly parent your child in utero, and make the right decision for him, as his loving mommy. Whatever decision you make, it is one of love. That’s clear.

    Peace, peace, peace to you.

  8. Jodi,
    De-lurking to say that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t begin to know how difficult this is.
    I do know that by so unselfishly sharing this situation with others, by allowing yourself to be so vulnerable, you are helping many, many others who have been, or will later be, in a similar situation. Thank you for that.

  9. jodi – you are so so so incredible – YOu are smart and loving and intuitive. Remember -You are right. always. I miss you! I send yoiu a hug right now and would like to give you one in person ASAP…

  10. I had to give you another message of hope—there is a radio station in my town that takes chronically disabled/terminally ill children to Disney every year—anyway, one of the families told a tear-jerking story about this little girl who was one of a set of triplets. When Mom was pregnant, doctors told mom that Baby B — who would be this little girl– had little to no chance of surviving the pregnancy, and if she WAS born, she would be seriously brain-damaged. In order to protect the other two babies mom was carrying, the doctors recommended that she abort Baby B. On the day it was time for doctors to insert the needle into mom’s womb and take Baby B’s life, Baby A and Baby C had wrapped their little bodies around her to shield her from that needle. The doctor realized that he had just witnessed a miracle — divine intervention, and he refused to go through with the abortion.

    Mom gave birth to all three. The little girl was Baby B — the baby doctors wanted to abort because she wasn’t supposed to survive the pregnancy, but she did and she suffered no brain damage. The little girl was, however, born with spina bifida, so she’s confined to a wheelchair and has to deal with complications from that, but otherwise, she is a beautiful, delicate, angelic child. The doctor has come back now and apologized for the Misdiagnoses and is thankful he was not able to complete the abortion.

    Keep your chin up. I cannot imagine what you are going thru or how I would feel if I were in your situation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  11. You are an absolutely wonderful person and you bring new meaning to finding the good in every situation. You are continuously in my thoughts.

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