Well citizens if you’re looking for answers don’t come to me. I am currently out of decision-making power. Should we cross the street? Dunno. Should we eat dinner? Dunno. Kanye or Taylor Swift? Dunno. How’s this all going to end? Dunno. I do feel that it’s time for somebody to wake me up because this dream is lasting much too long and is much too vivid and I cannot even fly but at least my teeth are not falling out.
I haven’t learned much since I wrote last. I have however consulted with so many doctors that I honestly cannot rattle off any names, or even their specialties. It’s a blur. They all have the same thing to say, however. What’s happening with this baby is serious, and the chance of them saying, “Heh – it was all a mistake! He’s going to be fine, hoooooray for clean living and prenatal vitamins!” is off the table. That much is certain. After that, it’s a matter of needing a crystal ball to see what life would look like for him. Most likely it would be painful. Most likely it would be very labor intensive and medically involved. So there is more weight on my shoulders every day because there is a decision clock tick tocking. If you presented this situation to me hypothetically I would be able to fire off an answer rapid-quick as to what I’d do, but predictably being in it for real isn’t quite so black and white. It’s more like a blurry sniffy desperate blackness. So maybe it’s black after all. Anyway.
However, just as there is white to black and good to bad in all of nature and in all of our lives, I have received more love, support, friendship, kindness and lifelines than I ever thought possible. My readers have sent me so many emails with amazing personal stories and encouragement. Each one has stopped me and made me cry. Every single freaking email. Sometimes I’m crying for you and the sadness you experienced, and sometimes I’m crying for me, because I don’t think my ending will be as happy as yours – but I still feel joy for the happy endings my people find in their own experiences.
I have my friends around me who will not let me go more than a few hours without a call of support, or a text or some banana bread or some childcare or a dinner or a hug or some sarcastic zinger that makes me remember how to twist my mouth into a smile. I have my nearby sister who gave me a much-yearned-for painting of Roan – and who makes me believe it’s great to have her as my Roan safety net, even twice in one day. I have my far away family and friends, constantly letting me know they’re proud of me, they support me, and they have faith in me. And the comments left here – all of them sympathetic and kind. I’ve had concern expressed to me that I’m opening myself up at a really vulnerable time, on a topic where people can get nasty. I know that’s true. But nothing but love has come my way thus far, and that love is soaking right into me, like a buffer against the circumstances I’m in.
I am grateful for the good things in my life, and the truth is, as horrible as these last three weeks have been, and as horrible as the next few weeks will likely be, everything is ok. Things suck so very very much, no lie. But there is more good than bad, and if I forget that, it’s ok because I’ll be reminded superfast by someone I love or someone I’ve never met that they are thinking of me, and hoping that I’m ok. And guess what? That makes me be ok.