Pistols Think Tank

I’m imagining that before the remote control was invented, there were plenty of people who thought of the idea. It made sense. It would be convenient. It is a beautiful thing. But then Mr. Remote Control invented it and became a bazillionaire and then everyone else who thought of it but didn’t act on it was totally bummed.

So what else is there to be invented? What’s the next simple but obvious idea? I dunno, but I have a few of them. Go ahead and invent these and enjoy the spoils. You don’t even have to credit me or pay me a dollar. Just send me a prototype and I’m set.

Seriously - like 4x a day. Over it.

First: A stroller that can go up and down the stairs, without giving me the core workout I so desperately need. I’d just rather get that workout with a trainer named Cornelius in an air conditioned gym wearing something that wicks away moisture. Going up and down and up and down all the stairs in Brooklyn sucks while pushing and pulling my two tiny precious tyrants. As it gets hotter, they seem to grow and it sucks all the more. Get on this, stat.

Second: Get some type of cooling system for a stroller. One of my little dudes in particular is not all that hearty and busts out in a heat rash after being exposed to the cruel summer humidity and heat. It doesn’t seem impossible to get some type of ventilation, circulation something happening in there, right?

I'm not saying who...

Third: There needs to be some type of punitive mechanism in pools for kids (or, let’s face it, adults) who pee in the pool. A tiny electrical shock or even some type of shaming device. I just would like to hang out in a pee-free pool. Is that so wrong?

Heavenly, yes. But crazy tedious to comb out with mean little metal comb.

Fourth: A laser-lice removal system. I cannot tell you how tired I am of prophylactically lice-combing Roan’s hair. While I love to run my fingers through his spun-golden strands of heaven, pulling Pantene through his hair, strand by freaking strand every Sunday is tiresome. There must be a way to just wave a laser around your kids head and kill all the critters, no? Let’s. Do. This. Better yet – add a bedbug killing switch and charge seventeen times the price. This is pure gold. (Roan would like me to clarify that he does not have lice every Sunday. We are searching for signs of them, with a plan to murder them. This seems to work, as we haven’t gotten lice this school year. Still. LASER BEAMS SET ON KILL would be way more awesome.)

Fifth: What? My babies are waking up from their naps…so this one’s all yours. What needs to exist next? What are we missing? With all of our big brains put together, I’m certain we can come up with some good ones.

11 thoughts on “Pistols Think Tank

  1. Crumbless popcorn, brownies, cake and toast. Good for toddlers, and dads who like to eat in bed!

  2. In the late 70’s when I was a kid, my dad rigged up a switch to mute the tv. It was on a long cord that could reach the couch. My dad’s not lazy, he just hates commercials! Anyway, we had one of those for many years until remotes were invented. I thought we were the coolest people in America. Sorry I have no new inventions.

  3. I’ve been trying to think up a way to put tiny little magnets in my socks so that they are attracted to each other in the wash and I don’t have to sort them at the end or suffer the loss of yet another black sock. Of course, I’d have to find a way for each pair to have their own unique charge so as not to attract the wrong mate, but that’s what engineers are for, no?

  4. Ok, I just skimmed this post (I found your blog by way of Sarah who just asked you about babies in taxis for a friend from facebook) I am laughing about the lice! I live in Italy (originally from Oklahoma) and we do have a problem with lice at our school. Just part of it, I guess! I am familiar with the lice checks! I’ll for sure be by your blog again!

  5. I heard on the radio (NPR, natch) someone did solve problem 4… the lice issue! Its something like a super hair dryer which decimates the eggs too…I might be remembering it wrong, but I think it was a guy from Provo…Ill have to surf it and get back to you….lice just suck!

  6. I think I read that mayo kills lice. That seems like a relatively easy solution. Also, hair dye, but it would be a shame to mess with Roan’s lovely color.

  7. I’ve got nothing to offer on lice. (Whew!) BUT I’m working on thinking up a device or sink design or something that holds kid’s toothbrushes nice and flat whilst they apply gobs of toothpaste and it must stay flat for the 13.7 minutes it seems to take for them to close the paste dispenser, shove their brother, wipe their nose, etc., before they actually pick the thing up and scrub their teeth. If that could be ready next week, it would awesome. Thank you.

  8. Heat rash occurs most often in hot, humid conditions. It’s most common in infants. Active people, newborns in incubators, and bedridden patients with fever also are more likely to get heat rash.-‘-`


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