You know how when you’re facing some scary unknown situation, people come up to you and share their own horrible experiences, freaking you out all the more? Well, these are not my people. I have had nothing but positive and hopeful stories related to me over the past few days. Every email I’ve received from you – my people – has been so helpful. Each one, detailing your own scare with your own babies, with health and wellness being the resolution– each one of these has helped me keep my own hope up that everything is going to be ok. Thank you to all my worldwide stranger friends. You guys lift me up.
The Good News
So how’d it go on Friday? That’s a really hard question to answer. I thought I’d be able to take away a sense of how worried or relieved I should be, but I wasn’t able to. The good news: my boy’s heart is healthy and well, which is pretty cool. I was told that if there were problems with the kidneys, there would sometimes be problems with the heart. Not the case here, so that was a great way to begin the day.
I moved on to a detailed ultrasound, which was overseen by a doctor specializing in High Risk Obstetrics and Ultrasound. She was lovely. Her impressions were positive, and ultimately she said she couldn’t diagnose what was going on with his kidneys, and yes, there is something going on. But she gave a reassuring overall picture, saying that the things she was seeing weren’t really in-line with Multicystic Kidneys or Polycystic Kidneys, which are the two scary things that have been tossed around as possibilities.
High-Fives were given all around with my sister-wife friends, and we went to lunch before my next appointments. I realized at that time that I had really put up some walls to feeling connected to my new boy. I had stopped letting myself think about names, about the future with him, and had put the brakes on sharing dreams about him with Roan. It felt so sweet to start thinking about him again with hope – and start planning for him again.
No, Actually it Could All Still Really be Bad
So that lasted about 1 ½ hours until my meeting with the Genetic Counselor. This meeting was more confusing, and her assertion that we were not ruling out anything because it was all still possible and not only possible but also likely and that the things they’re looking at are “bad”, then I kind of tuned out while my friend asked all the pertinent questions trying to get clarification. In the end, though, there was no clarification.
More tests, more procedures and one more round and round talk with the Geneticist and finally the day was over. I walked away feeling exhausted, confused, and bouncing between hanging on to the earlier positive feelings and the frustration of knowing nothing at all.
There is one more appointment they were not able to get me in for, with someone who is apparently going to tie it all together for me. That’s what I heard, anyway. I’m not sure if that’s what they actually said. And test results will come back in the next few weeks, from the bounty of bodily fluids I submitted.
And Roan. Yesterday he let me know that he’s picking it up, that maybe this baby is sick, when he told me that sometimes babies can be born, and they need to have surgeries, or they need to stay in the hospital. And then he asked me to try to make our baby healthy and I promised him that I would try, but that even if he is born sick, we’ll be able to use all the doctors around us to help him. And that simple assertion there is now what I’m living by. How this baby grows inside me is not entirely up to me. I’m doing my best, and will continue to do my best by him. After that, I suppose all I can do is hope, and that is helped by the stories I’m receiving from you, so thank you again to everyone who is sharing their own experience with me. They are more helpful than any doctor has been.