Times Square
There are things that I do in front of Roan that I wouldn’t do in front of anyone else. Nothing too horrible, but still, things that I’d probably be mortified if anyone else saw them. For instance, if he needs to speak to me exactly when I’m in the bathroom, he doesn’t think twice about swinging the door open and firing that conversation up right then and there. There is no one else allowed to do that. He’s also witnessed burps, though I’ve had to put the kibosh on that because it caused way too much laughter which can only lead to manners-training trouble in the future. Roan gets to hear me sing my heart out, and though I know I’ve got no sense of pitch or key, I belt songs out regularly for him.
In fact, a dirty little secret: I know most of the lyrics to most of the songs by Hall & Oates. Roan has become accustomed to hearing “OOooh here she comes…” and gives very little response other than a slightly affected eye-roll. I live for the possibility that one day I will hear him follow-up, “….watch out boy she’ll chew you up….” But it makes me happy to sing, and it makes me happy that my poor song choices and off-pitch warbling will not impact how much Roan likes being around me.
There’s more: he’s my confidante when I’m helping at his school lunch. Last week when I was there, a child freaked out over some territory issue and began a full-on melt-down and made me fear that his head was going to peel away to reveal a demon. While I was trying to contain his tantrum I broke away and whispered in Roan’s ear, “This kid is making me tired” to which he smiled and whispered back, “Me too!” And while it did occur to me that perhaps commiserating with my son was not the most adult and diplomatic thing to do, it did give me the break and energy to get back to the possessed child and help him get to a better place.
I don’t know how it is with other children. Roan is my only experience having a child. And maybe this isn’t universal so I wonder – do you do things in front of your children you won’t do in front of others? Do you receive this kind of unconditional love from anyone else? Do you have it for anyone else? And also: how cool is it being accepted for who you are, regardless if you’re on the toilet or not?
Without revealing too much, let me just say that I used to feel a little more free with my bodily functions around my daughter. That is, until she was around four years old. It was at this time that she announced, to a department store, that the fart she just let go sounded just like Mom’s! That’s the point where I started to get some privacy back as far as those issues are concerned. But I will never feel, I’m pretty sure, that unconditional love from anyone else. And sure enough, I do not have it for anyone else, either. Funny how that works.
Totally! Mine are much older than Roan but it’s pretty much been that way since day 1. I can’t imagine life any other way, they are with us through thick and thin. Why would be NOT have that relationship? I know not all do but to me that is just sad.
This weekend we were listening to a Laurie Berkner CD in the car when it came to a slower, more lullabyish type of song. Sophia said, “This sounds like Jodi when she sings to us at night when I have sleepovers with Roan!” And she said it in such a way as to communicate to me that hearing your voice was a very sweet thing to her. Thank you for singing to my girl! And just for the record, you must be able to carry a tune or she would have let you know:)
Jodi, when I was a freshman in college, I had a paper to write over a long weekend and (giving away my advanced age now) my father had an IBM SELECTRIC typewriter in his office that he let me use. He was a high-school guidance counselor. I sat in an alcove where people coming in couldn’t really notice me but I could see my dad and hear his conversations. At one point a girl was ranting about something and Daddy caught my eye and sort of rolled his. I felt a connection to my father in that moment that was rare for us and that I treasure to this day.
You never know what you’re creating in those moments. I love your relationship with Roan.
I love that I am completely free to be myself (the good, the bad, and the nasty) in front of my kids. We sing, dance, belch, and act totally goofy with each other. I’m only *slightly* more reserved with my partner. I still have that unconditional acceptance with my sisters and parents also…although I try to act smart and savvy so as to balance out that part of me that can fart freely with relatively no shame. I do love having people in my world who truly know me and still love me. Such a gift.
Well my boy is a teenager, and a darn good one at that and I know he hears swearing all the time so I don’t really act like a freak or anything when I absentmindedly drop an F-bomb in his presence. I’m more at ease doing that with him than I am with my spouse. I’m OK with allowing this teenager to see that his Mom is human, and humorous and a tad crazy because I am all of those things, and if I am the one to encourage him to spread his wings and be himself and not care what others think of him, then I should be able to show him that in myself. You know, I’m his Mom, first and foremost, and then while there are those times that I have to be his parent too, I think it’s good that he understand where the line is drawn between them. You touched on that recently in one of your posts as well. I’m glad to have that connection with him, the one that can commiserate with him about how good a donut is at the exact same time I talk about how bad they are for our health. It’s makes me totally ok in his almost 16 year old eyes.
I can’t wait to enjoy that type of relationship someday. But in the mean time, is there anyone out there that has successfully developed that type of relationship with a step-child? This is a challenge for me and one I deal with everyday.
Jodi, this is something I can definitely relate to. My daughter and I (I’m Dad), are horribly bonded (this, where “horribly” is a good thing). She’s a “tween” now. Hormones are getting ready to be stoked, but she still loves the time we spend together. She’s recently been embarrassed in public by some of my dancing and/or singing, but the whole time has this wry little smile that says, “yeah, he’s my dad, and I love him”. Anything goes between us in the car in the singing dept., and we’re especially given to spontaneous wolf howling. Of course, none of this can happen when mom’s around, because she can’t howl like the big dogs. I do wonder what 13 will bring, but we’re happy with the way things are now. “Take us forever, a whisper to a scream…”
Your sister claims I am “earthy” (that’s a nice way of saying bawdy). I think she’d better be redirecting that adjective your way, honey. It’s not that I’m not, it’s just that I’m not writin it out for all to see and imagine. (La la la la -ears plugged, closing eyes)
Now, as for that demon in the lunchroom, although, COMPLETELY NOT THE TOPIC of your post, might I suggest in a similar such situation, calmly approach the youngster, get on his/her level and acknowledge the feeling. Many children, such as the one you describe may have had some professional intervention and may respond well to your reminding them that in the lunch room we have a “calm body.” You like?
I don’t have children, but I remember when I was a child that my sister and I would sit in the bathroom while my mom was taking a bath to talk to her about our day…or whatever else was going on. When she needed a moment to herself she would have to lock the door…but we would always just yell through it! It is a special thing to be able to be 100% uncensored and creates a great bond!
I don’t have a minute of privacy until my kids go to bed. They come to me wherever I am. It’s nice and annoying at the same time.
Daph – ok, you went there where I couldn’t. Nicely done.
Kat – I agree, I cannot imagine feeling any other way with the boy. Lucky us!
Laura – I don’t know if I can buy that story. Your girl knows about singing. Ok, I’m going to believe you because you’ve not lied to me yet, but really?? ME?? Geeeez. I’m flattered. Miss you!
Barbara – what a great memory. I love that you can recall all the tiny details, and what that little moment meant to you. Thank you – I hope Roan remembers these things too…
LeLaLu – I think I’m in the same boat. I am slightly more reserved with Anson – not because I think he’ll love me less, but just because I have more shame. It is a gift to have these people in our lives that don’t go away, even when we’re our most embarassing selves.
Kate – you just don’t hear many parents who have 16 year olds speak about them in the way you do. Your tone when writing about your son is one of admiration and respect, which is probably why you can drop the F bombs with the faith that he knows what’s up. I hope Roan and I will be like that as he gets older too. Thanks for the comment!
Christy – ah geeez girl. Step-children are a challenge of their own. So difficult because you’re placed in each other’s lives in such an intimate way, without that defined role of being the child and parent. I think you’re doing a great job, and I love that you’re always trying to do better. Hope to see you soon!
VA Biker – ok, anyone who references Icicle Works is a friend of mine for sure. How cool is it that a daughter has a dad in her life that she’s proud of? Even if she’s obligated to be a little embarassed from time to time. Horribly bonded sounds like the best kind of bonded.
Rotion – I DO like! I’ve actually had some feedback on what I wrote about that child, and feel bad that I didn’t handle it better. I’m currently adding the phrase “calm body” to my repertoire, and will endeavor to use it this week!
Courtney – I remember doing the same thing with my mother. The woman didn’t seem to need any privacy or maybe we just never picked up on her small signals…locked doors? HA! Like you said, locked doors cannot a conversation stop! The bond is real – so glad you had that in your family also.
Anne – so well put. It’s tiring I think, but man – how much would we miss it if they stopped coming to us? Now THAT would be annoying.
I want a calm body now.
To me this is the very definition of what it means to be family…to be free, open, available, unconditional, yourself without apology. Such a gift all around.
You all make me wish I had kids – like now.