My Kid Would NEVER…

I just got home from being a parent chaperone for Roan’s school field trip to the Brooklyn Children’s Museum.  What can I say?  I love doing these things because of course I love to be involved in my son’s life, but it’s also a lot of voyeurism on my part.  Most parents think of other people’s kids as potential bad influences or wonder how their little angel is going to withstand the peer pressure on them to misbehave.  I’m no different.  I fall into the trap of thinking that there’s no way my kid would be the one to behave mischievously or encourage others to do so because well, he’s a rule follower, and that’s that.

Rule Follower.

But it’s not actually that simple.  I’m beginning to learn that the kids we write off as “bad” are actually just the ones who unabashedly put themselves out there.  And the kids who have their parents convinced of their impending sainthood are maybe just a wee bit more skillful at hiding their dark side.

I have a friend who recently said to me about one of her daughter’s friends, “I just have to remind myself that she’s a little girl”.  No doubt.  These are kids, learning to read social cues, learning that things have consequences, and not pre-made with filters.  Children are, in short – imperfect.

While we were riding the bus home from the field trip, I was sitting across the aisle from Roan and a few friends, who were laughing hysterically at each other.  They were all having fun, all playing their part in some game.  I thought it was so insanely cute that I got out my camera and started video taping it.  The wild laughter and knee slapping and high fiving was more cuteness than I could almost take.  I was thinking that I’d have to send this cute little video to Roan’s grandparents and friends.

That is.  Until.  I got home and reviewed the video, without the distraction of a wild bus driver and city noise, and found out that this cute song they were singing and laughing at was not actually called, “Mr. Peanut”.  No.  It was not.  Indeed.  Surprisingly, they were laughing at an entirely different thing, which I will not spell out here but if you’ve ever been a six-year-old and thought the word “Penis” was a pretty awesome punchline for pretty much everything….well, hells bells I just spelled it out for you.

So my kid – turns out he can be inappropriate with the best of them.  Not only that – he will do it in front of me, and thinks that I’m deeming it worthy of video taping.  I think we’re going to need to have a little talk tonight.  My biggest challenge will be to not crack up – because while it is totally inappropriate, it is also funny as hell.

10 thoughts on “My Kid Would NEVER…

  1. I cannot stop laughing at this. And I still think penis is a punchline. Don’t tell my husband.

  2. soooo funny, i was also having a great time on that bus ride home listening to who i think may be the class clown, yes my son trying his best to get all of his friends hysterically laughing at some spongebob inspired dance in his seat, at first i kept saying stop it or shshshshshshshush! then i just decided to leave him alone…thats what the whole trip is all about for them. friends and fun.

    btw any mention of balls a ball or the ball in our house brings the biggest laughs you ever heard. ….and of course dad and i cant help but roll our eyes and chuckle too.

  3. Mine is only two but I have no doubt he will follow in Roan’s hysterically laughing footsteps. He already knows how to blame someone else. He recently said the f word (having no idea of how to use it so he just said it a few times). I asked him where he heard the word. After a lot of umms and uhs and looking at the ceiling, he brightly looked at me and said “Obama!” So I give him points for creativity. If he had said “Biden” I’d believe it. It’s fun though – I spend a ton of time laughing at, with and near him.

  4. Co Ma – Well, I suppose I’ll let you see it. While it doesn’t seem to take much to make you blush, you’ve also heard just about everything.

    Liza – There is a truth in that. Penis will always be a punchline. Sorry, fellas.

    Regina – It’s all about choosing what to laugh about in private, and what to laugh about in public, huh? If Roan only knew how many of the things he does that get him in trouble actually cause me teary laughing fits in the re-telling..Well, my authority would be let’s say – undermined.

    Erika – That is awesome that he blamed Obama. Love it that Obama is even in your two-year-old’s mind. Even though it’s somehow tied to the F word…..hmmmm…..maybe we have a budding conservative on our hands….

  5. In our house it’s all about “ball” quips and “that’s what she said” smirks. Of course my kids are more in the adult to teenage range but it makes no difference. My kids come by it honestly from their Dad. (I SWEAR!) hahaha “I’ve got big balls, you’ve got big balls, we’ve got the biggest balls of them ALL!”

  6. I remember my son coming home from preschool when he was about four, and saying he learned a new song at school. We nodded and smiled as he launched into a rousing rendition of Popeye the Sailor…but with a few changes… “I’m Popeye the Sailor Man, I live in a garbage can. I bought a new heater and blew up my *****. I’m Popeye the Sailor Man…toot toot.” OMG, I almost had a stroke from trying to hide my laughter…30 years later, it still makes me laugh to think about it. From age to age the same….

  7. Kendra – Awwwww. I love making people cry!

    Kat – You sound like my kind of family. I love the ballsy types.

    Nana – Now I’m going to have to restrain myself from singing that outloud – it’s really catchy. You’re totally right, that these things were funny 30 years ago, and will continue to be so for as long as they’re taboo. Lovely that it still makes you laugh.

  8. I just finished a beutifully wriiten memoir by Mary Karr, Lit. She writes, “Kids are less like little people than like kittens or puppies who can talk.”

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